Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Moustaches of Maximum Manliness

Moustaches go in and out of fashion frequently. It's so easy to do them wrong, and so hard to do them right. I think the real reason they keep coming back is that they represent toughness and manliness. It's a representation of maturity, of adulthood, and of your dedication to Hulkamania. As soon as your moustache reaches its peak, though, your friends tell you it looks dumb and you shave it off because you don't understand its true meaning - if you were worthy of one, you wouldn't be bothered by your friends mocking you about it. Moustaches weed out the weak. 
Image result for epic moustache

I Hate My Readers

No, really, I do. You're all dumb. You never comment or anything like that. You haven't told your friends to view my blog. You're useless. If I'm  going to blow up I need your help, but I guess you're all too good for me. Well, guess what? I hate you. I hate your car. I hate your school. I hate your parents and your siblings. I hate your favorite vegetable, if you happen to have one. Thanks for reading.

Monday, September 11, 2017

The Ressurection

We're back, for a limited time only. Once we reach the next summer this blog may never post again, which will disappoint my legions of fans, I'm sure. Until then, enjoy it while it lasts.

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Smith & Weston

Greetings, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to yet another sad edition of Dougles' Literal Literacy. I think I'm finally starting to agree with Mrs. Weston. Gloria can't grow up with nothing but a robot as a friend, but that doesn't mean you have to take the robot away completely and without warning. My brief psychology lesson explained why. I thought the decision to move was a bad idea. Gloria's enthusiasm was incredibly suspicious, and they should have taken a moment to consider that it had something to do with Robbie. Her idea that they were going to hire detectives was adorable, hilarious, and heartbreaking in a life-ruining kind of way all at the same time. She obviously failed to factor in that they were taking all their belongings with them. It would seem that my prediction that she'll get lost looking for Robbie in the city is coming together nicely. I'm absolutely certain that my theory is correct. I'm also hoping for some much-needed retribution for Mrs. Weston, but it'll probably just be one of those endings where she sees the error of her ways and hops on the bandwagon. I could be wrong, but I am definitely getting that vibe from the story. I suppose it's possible that George will divorce her, but it states multiple times that he loves her, which is why he goes along with what she does, so I'm guessing we can safely cross that possibility off the list. Mrs. Weston getting run over by a truck is certainly the least likely of possibilities. I don't get the random, chaotic death vibe from Isaac Asimov the way I do from George RR Martin.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Metal 2 Society

Hey, hey, kids! Welcome back to another episode of Dug's Proportional Palabras. The scene where George is forced to lie to his daughter and she bursts into tears is heartbreaking. It remains to be seen if Mrs. Weston made the right choice about sending Robbie away, but there's no arguing against the fact that she broke the news all wrong. Anyone could see that she would subconsciously associate the dog, Lightning, with Robbie's disappearance, or at least the feelings she had at the time, and would thus never grow to like it. They should have let Gloria be sad for a few days, or better yet weeks, and then brought in the dog to cheer her up. Douglas Troy and his writers are not trained psychologists and have no degrees. They are not liable for any physical or emotional trauma or other inconveniences you may encounter from following their advice. Mrs. Weston is clearly a terrible person, seeing as how she'd rather have her daughter suffer for years than allow a robot to bring her up. She says so herself. Mr. Weston seriously needs to stick up for his pour daughter.

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Three Reasons Why The Giver Book is Better Than the Movie

Three Reasons Why the Giver Book is Better Than the Movie
The Giver book is better than the movie for a variety of reasons. For one thing, I do not like the idea of Asher being a drone pilot. He is a very playful and joking person who has failed to master precision of language in spite of the fact that he’s lived in a Community where that is the most important thing for his entire life. He seems like a very irresponsible person. He once got late to class because he stopped to watch some fish. That is not the sort of person whom you trust with flying something as valuable and expensive as a drone, especially when you consider that they take it so seriously that they executed a pilot for the sole reason that he flew over the city. They care it that much, but apparently it is the kind of job you give to the one who doesn’t know the difference between”distraught” and “distracted.” I think that was a very poorly thought out decision that happened only to add some extra conflict which was completely unnecessary. It was barely even a conflict, because all that happened was that Asher shows up, talks to Jonas, decides he’s cool and drops him into a river. It’s utterly pointless, and I suspect it only happened to pad the run time.
Another thing I dislike about the movie which isn’t present in the book is the weird futuristic technology. I always had the impression that the Community was a place that cared only about function, and that they probably wouldn’t have something if they didn’t need it. I definitely don’t think they need the bizarre architecture of the houses, which look like a three year old’s box fort, or maybe one of those massive things you add to your house for your cat to play on. You know, the thing with all the weird platforms and scratching posts? They also have holograms, which are completely unnecessary. They should be using the speakers instead, or even screens. I heavily doubt that holograms will ever become used in the real world because they’re stupid and useless, so there is no way that the Community would ever even consider thinking of dreaming about it. I mean, most people in the real world don’t even like 3d, so holograms have a snowball’s chance of ever becoming universal in the real world, and no one in the Giver would ever consider it.
The final reason I have for the book being better than the movie is the movie’s attempt at a romance. First of all, Jonas and Fiona would have immediately been called in for chastisement after their little stunt with the slide. It was also phenomenally cheesy. Why were they climbing a massive staircase to get food in the first place? Secondly, the cameras should have caught Jonas using the apple. There is no possible way that Jonas isn’t under an unusually large amount of surveillance at this point. He’s been selected to be the new Receiver, so they probably be monitoring his mental state because they don’t want another failure. Not only that, but Jonas was also wildly misbehaving, so they should have been watching him even closer. Besides, he explained his trick to Fiona out loud, so their surveillance should have heard him say it. There’s no possible way that any of that could ever work.

Ay, Robbie

Hello once again, audience. Welcome back to another exciting edition of Douglasses Trippy Texts. Last week we began our review of I, Robot. We return now to the scene, already in progress. Robbie's love of stories greatly interests me. It's a small thing, but it really makes me think about how that robot brain of his works. Is it just something his programmer added in to make him seem more like a real person, or is his brain designed to learn, and listens to stories to help it do so? Is he capable of learning new words? We know he likes certain ones because his favorite is Cinderella and even his eight year old ward is tired of telling it to him. Why does he like it, though? I'm probably overanalyzing the story. I really pitied George as his wife manipulated him, but I'm not sure if she was in the wrong. I predict that the family will sell Robbie, and Gloria will run away to the city to find him. She'll be lost there, but Robbie will find her and bring her home to her family.